Domestic Violence Can Make You Feel Crazy

Domesic violence goes by many names, including intimate partner violence (IPV), spousal abuse, domestic abuse, and child abuse.

Many perpetrators of domestic violence try intentionally to make their victims doubt their own judgement and sanity. They try to make excuses for their behavior - possibly blaming it on drugs, childhood abuse, or stress at work - anything except taking full responsibility themselves.

Most perpetrators of domestic violence are able to behave in dramatically different ways with partners and the outside world, which suggests they have far more control over their actions than they would want others to know. When confronted with law enforcement, perpetrators can switch on a dime from being cruel, vengeful - if not homicidal, to being friendly, amusing, calm, and reasonable. They want you to believe they are not in control, when the vast majority of them are completely in control of their actions.

Learning to see through perpetrator lies and confusion is essential for getting away and protecting yourself and your children. Domestic violence will not get better on its own. It will get worse. You need to take action immediately to protect yourself and your family.

Please see the Domestic Violence Resources below for contact information for crisis support and shelters in Oakland and surrounding East Bay areas.

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Cycle of Violence and Abuse

Dr. Leonore Walker identified predictable patterns common to most forms of domestic violence, which she called the "Cycle of Abuse". It can be very helpful for domestic violence victims to understand this pattern as another way of seeing through the manipulation, lies, and confusing tactics of most perpetrators. The following illustration presents each stage of the cycle.

Most victims of domesic violence report that when they first met the perpetrator, it was a dream come true. The perpetrators create such an ideal image of who they are and their love for the victim that when violence and abuse begins to occur, the victim is inclined to dismiss it or play it down. After all, how could someone so wonderful have a flaw like that?

After violence and abuse begins, it is common for many victims to continue on waiting for this "honeymoon phase" to return. When the perpetrator is involved in the reconciliation stage, they may attempt to put on these "too good to be true" behaviors, particularly if the victim is threatening to leave or has broken up with the perpetrator in the early stages of the abuse. Perpetrators will do or say almost anything during this stage in order to gain control and power over their victims.

Over time, the pattern often changes so that the reconciliation and calm stages become shorter. Often the degree and intensity of violence will increase as well, for example, from emotional abuse to physical aggression.

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Oakland Therapy for Domestic Violence

The good news is that there are new therapies for the mental health effects of domestic violence. EMDR and Somatic Experiencing work very well to treat symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. I also offer long-term therapy to help build self-esteem in Oakland and am happy to serve as a life coach to help you and your family reach the goals of the life you want to live.

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